Bond Fifty: Plenty Of Tool

A. Trying to process this poster art literally is either madness, or the basis of an infinitely better movie than this one.

B. Omg, ladies. That cannot be comfortable.


Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

It only takes one minute for Sean Connery to basically destroy all of the authenticity of character built up by the end of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sorry, Mrs. Bond.

Oh Jesus, it’s these two. The bad hair twins. Can I stop the movie now?

Hmm, Tiffany Case has Peter Franks’s thumbprint to compare against, but not a photo of his face? Really? OVERTHINKING IT.

“That’s quite a nice little nothing you’re almost wearing.” Yes, it is.

But seriously, Jill St. John wears some crazy-ass outfits in this movie, and she makes them work. Damn her.

Plenty. Plenty O’Toole. This may be the worst Bond name ever. Also I can’t believe this is Natalie Wood’s sister.

Sean Connery, you are so old. So, so old.

Oooh, but the typography nerd in me LOVES the ’70s signage inside McCarran Airport.

That’s a radiation shield. Right.

These astronauts trying to take Bond down understand they’re not actually in a low-gravity environment, right? Why are they moving so slowly?

I’m pretty sure all of my childhood conceptions of Las Vegas were created by this movie, plus those casino ladies from Koyaanisqatsi.

Of all the stupid plans to kill Bond, this “let’s bury him in a pipeline” is the worst ever. Him coming out of the hatch in a tuxedo is a nice gag, though.

Yay, Bambi and Thumper. I hate this movie because whenever I hear the names Bambi and Thumper I think of these two in the woods with a skunk.


Wait, maybe they’re the ones who were in the space suits from before.

Okay, I’m really not sure Jill is carrying off this blue and beige thing.

Parachuting down in a giant shiny inflatable ball would only work if they’re not going to shoot you, and that would be ridiculous. Oh, they’re not going to shoot you? At all? Joke’s on me, I guess.

This ending is so bad. If Blofeld had shot him we wouldn’t have this stupid ending. I hate Blofeld.

I am totally putting on the Rocky Horror Picture Show after this. It’ll be a Charles Gray double feature. (Oooh-oooh)


Bond Fifty: Views & Kills

A one shot! Now I feel like I shortchanged the last eight movies.


A View to a Kill

(Isn’t that teaser poster great? I like it a lot more than the official one, with Bond and Stacey on the bridge. Features artwork by Dan Goozee.)

Oh, look, another ski chase. I mean, another one-legged ski chase. I mean, another snowmobile chase. Ah, snowboard! We haven’t done that, right?

I find it hard to believe the British government would fund the development of a luxury sex submarine shaped like a giant grey dildo. But okay, I’ll let this one slide.

And then we DAAAANCE INTO THE FIIIIIIRE!!! Omg, this song is still great. I feel like I’m in grade school again.

EVERYBODY IS SO OLD. I get it now. They’re trying to make Roger Moore look youthful by surrounding him with OLDER PEOPLE.

This is the least subtle hit job I’ve ever seen. She might as well just have walked up to him and shot him.

I kind of want to be dressed like everybody at this chateau.

I’m still kind of pissed at them for what they did to poor Patrick McNee’s character in this film.

It’s comforting to know that dicey hot tub places look super-tacky even in James Bond movies.

“Stock. James Stock.” I… see what you did there.

Whiskas product placement? Really? And does the cat’s bowl say PUSSY on it??

This romance seems more believable when you consider that Stacey does seem to think about her granddad a lot.

Oh, look, an Apple //c. Don’t trust her, James, she said she didn’t have any money!


Now they’re in the egg chamber from Alien only all the eggs are dynamite.

And that is how you make a proper “Fuck you, motherfucker” face. Thank you, Grace Jones.

Sneaking up on someone with a blimp: the preferred abduction method for psychopaths.

Say whatever else you will about the movie, but fistfight on the suspension cables of the Golden Gate Bridge is a set piece worthy of Hitchcock.

Oh! It does say PUSSY! And Q is kind of a dirty old pervert, isn’t he?



Bond Fifty: Two

There continues to be an incomprehensible number of discs in this box.

Tomorrow Never Dies

Tired cunnilingus pun … saved by M and Moneypenny’s “Don’t ask”, “Don’t tell.”

I can’t tell if Teri Hatcher is terribly acting the part of a good liar or brilliantly acting the part of a terrible liar.

It says something when the Rupert Murdoch caricature who wants to start World War III comes off as nicer than the real Rupert Murdoch, amirite? Relatedly, this Mac keeps insisting I mean “emirate” when I write “amirite.”

I’m sorry I made fun of you, Lotus. Come back! Bond should not be driving a BMW!

K. D. Lang’s end theme is so much better than the official theme song! Wtf, people?



I have to say, the opening stunt sequence is amazing. Even if Stunt Jaws looks like he’s four feet tall with paper teeth in high definition.

This movie is totally more fun if you imagine that Hugo Drax is being played by a young James Lipton.

“Moonraker” may be the most stunningly gorgeous of the opening themes, and nobody remembers it. Say it with me: Shirley Fucking Bassey.

First it’s a clown, and then it has Jaws in it. THIS IS NOT HELPING.

Half of the scenes in this movie need to end with Yakety Sax playing. So ridiculous.

Pew! Pew! Pew!



Telling us that someone strikes “like thunderball” has absolutely no meaning if you don’t tell us what the hell a “thunderball” is.

Unless it means this?


Incidentally, there’s a Marvel super villain named “Thunderball” who apparently gained super-strength by holding a magical crowbar that was struck by lightning, and who uses a wrecking ball as a weapon. This has made the whole re-watching project worth it.

Apparently Bond is bedding women for “King and Country,” despite the fact that Elizabeth II has been on the throne for thirteen years. I guess it wasn’t very proper to do the nasty in the name of the Queen.


Omg, another underwater fight scene. Somebody get the bends already.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

This opening theme kicks ass. I like how the imagery keeps trying to remind us that, yes, this is in the same series as those Connery flicks.

I feel like I’ve watched an hour of baccarat scenes in all these movies now and I still have no idea what’s going on or how this is a game.

George Lazenby’s head looks like it’s made of Sculpy. But he makes up for it with a passion for frilly and ruffled shirts. No, really, he actually looks pretty good in most of these suits, but this brown-orange golf outfit is — OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT JUST SLAP DIANA RIGG IN THE FACE

Something tells me Draco is not going to win father of the year anytime soon.

Ernst Stavro Kojak!

You know, this movie is actually not bad. It even has curling! Bobsleds! An epic ski chase! And this stuntman… does not look at all like Diana Rigg.

More later! And did you know there’s a whole blog dedicated to The Suits Of James Bond? Omg.


Bond Fifty

I’m making my way through the Bond 50 Blu-ray box set, which was an unexpected and beautiful Christmas gift. The movies look and sound absolutely gorgeous in high definition, so it’s been a real treat to see them again. Of course, there are some really bad films, and most of the rest are at least a little cheesy. Rather than flooding twitter with snark, I collected some random outbursts here.

The Spy Who Loved Me


This movie sparked 1: A lifelong desire to visit Egypt, and 2: A lifelong fear of elevators, and/or Mozart.

Did we used to think the Lotus Esprit was pretty? It looks like a Pontiac Fiero, if you could imagine a Fiero not turning to red dust on contact with water.

Casino Royale

Watching Casino Royale after Skyfall, it’s amazing how young Daniel Craig looks here.

Best. Opening. Titles. Ever.

I’ve decided to add life goal #44: Ride a horse on a beach wearing a bikini.

I keep expecting James Garner to show up as security at the card game.


Die Another Day

This may be the prettiest looking pile of shit ever made. I remembered the shitty but had forgotten the pretty.

Bikini entrances, ranked in order of rewatchability: 3. Halle Berry, 2. Ursula Andress, 1. Daniel Craig

Wait, dude is getting his entire DNA replaced but they can’t extract a few diamonds from the skin on his face??

I love John Cleese, but he is not doing it for me as Q.

Aghglhlh invisible car


Holy crap, this movie looks good on Blu-ray.

It’s amazing how much of the film is dedicated to a round of golf.

Ummm, hello rape-based conversion of implied lesbian with cutesy soundtrack. Helpful commentary reminds us this used to be a common plot device.

You Only Live Twice

“Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?”
“You think we better, huh?”
“No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different from Russian Caviar. But I love them both.”
“Darling, I give you very best duck.”


There is nothing else I can write about this movie after that.

Licence to Kill

This isn’t as bad as I remember. It’s still pretty bad.

Drugs Bartlet is my Wayne Newton Cover Band.

I keep expecting Sam Waterston to appear as Pam’s handler.

Worst Bond hair, ranked: 3. Licence To Kill, 2. A View To a Kill, 1. Diamonds Are Forever

Jesus, Benicio del Toro was hot in this movie. Benicio del Toro. Benicio del Totoro.

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