Hey! Warning! I’m assuming that, unlike me, you’ve all already seen Aliens. If not, don’t read any further, lest you be spoiled.

So. Aliens, right? Until tonight, I’d never watched it. (Call me a fake geek girl, I dare you.) I’m not sure how it is I never saw it before — I love Alien (it’s one of my all-time favorite movies), and I saw Alien 3 in the theaters when it was new. But that last might actually be the problem. The first few minutes of that movie basically told me that whatever had happened in Aliens, it didn’t matter because they took everything away quickly (and depressingly), without so much as a second thought. Also, space marines, which are not really my favorite thing ever.

Not seeing Aliens, though, that’s one of those things you need to keep a secret from people, and I accidentally let it slip. In public. I’m uncomfortable being mocked, so obviously that needed fixing. On the other hand, I don’t have any problem mocking things myself, especially ’80s movies that I don’t have any nostalgic affection for.

So! A break from Bond, so we can do:


Aliens (1986)

The most terrifying thing in Aliens so far is the idea that these suit collars might actually become a real thing:


Somehow, like a facehugger, ’90s action cinema has implanted the seeds of all its supporting actors in a single movie.

Oh, Paul Reiser. How did you ever become a romantic lead with your magic mouth that drips only lies?

Speaking of which, how did he pull of this hairstyle for thirteen years straight? And was it around this time he fronted Styx?

Yay, kickass female marines. I mean, it was 1986! YAY, KICKASS FEMALE MARINES.

There’s nothing less comforting than an android who insists he’s programmed not to kill you. Right? Right.

I’m assuming this urge to hit Bill Paxton in the face will continue undiminished. Especially since I still felt that urge in 1997.

Aside: you know, James Cameron says that he wrote the scripts for this, Rambo, and Terminator all in a space of three months. And you know what? Every minute of that shows.

I love that a girl has the biggest goddamn gun in this movie.

Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier to tell them why they can’t shoot down there?

Bill Paxton. You are still annoying. But you have the best facial overacting in this movie.

Wait, how is it that this enormous ship doesn’t have any personnel on it when the marines are on away mission?

Yeah, Burke. That’s how you die.

Noooo, Vasquez!!!

This shot of the shuttle flying into the reactor complex is so cheesy. It’s Total Recall cheesy. Which — I mean, the rest of the movie managed to look pretty good, special effects-wise. Why blow it in the climax?

Oooh, there’s the money shot.

Attention Alien Queen: this is the ugliest childbirth video I’ve ever seen.

This ending is like revenge porn. (And here we bring up Rambo again.) SHOOT ALL THE THINGS WITH ALL THE THINGS.

That was a badass call, Ripley. Badass call.

I was wondering when the power lifter was going to show up. Filmmaking 101: If you show a power lifter, at some point that power lifter must lift something. Powerfully.

Oh, Bishop. You were creepy but you didn’t kill us. You’re worth at least ten Burkes in my mind.

Aaaaaand, THIS PART OF THE MOVIE STILL RUINED BY ALIEN 3. Damn it, Fox. You are banned, Alien 3. Go home.

tags: movies

  • I liked it but some how I missed the tension from the original first episode. Plenty of aliens but a bit predictable.

  • The first is my favorite.

  • Rob Field

    It's a good solid film if looking a little dated. (And yeah, Aliens 3 never should have existed.). Score one for showing so many aspects of bad ass powerful women with very different physical abilities: Vasquez, Newt, and Ripley. It's also nice that men didn't have to be the bad guys. The story could still have conflict even with a bunch of nice guys in the script. Nice masculine guys for that matter. Although it's also okay to be a little odd (Bishop). Some of the dialog might be on the corny side, but it's one of those great movies that wasn't over-though and had it's heart in the right place. For a movie that killed most of it's characters, it really seemed to like most of them.

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