Total apathy.

The last two weeks I’ve spent emotionally immobile, mired in the past, having risen up with fire with my last entry and falling, crashing back to earth almost immediatley. Now I’m stuck, afraid of moving, because the only way I can think of doing it is to throw myself off the edge of some place very high. Progress is just not on my radar.

Spent many hours ostensibly cleaning out my files, but really that meant reading through hundreds and hundreds of old emails sent over the last fifteen years. I’ve — changed, over and over; I don’t want to say grown, because it’s not like that, really. More like resets.

And frightening that relationships seem so fragile: people have passed in and out of my life like water, shining for brief, wonderful moments before fading, never to be seen again. More often than not, seeing their names pop up in my correspondences tore me up with regret. And what’s worse is I can feel it happening now, again, all around me. I’ve always let things silently slide by.

…but maybe some good will come out of this. I’m terrible at being a friend, but I can do better. I know it.

In the meantime, sideways I can still do, and I have to eat. So I’ll take some pleasure in experimenting in the kitchen tonight: spaghetti with capers and sardine filets, if I can wrangle it.

  • As you notice that friends have passed in and out of your life like water, you realise you are water too, shining for brief, wonderful moments before sweeping around again in the flow. You're in the water, always surrounded by water. By friends.

  • pastilla

    "Oh, little fish! Do not try to stay where you are. For whether you swim with the current or against it, the river will move you along to where you are meant to be."

    Your pasta sounds good. I usually eat vegetarian sauces, but sometimes I use a little anchovy paste.

  • True, relationships are fragile. And yet, they persist! The amazing thing about the net is that it limits how far away we really can get. So many people we once had daily interaction with yet now never see. And yet, most are just an e-mail away. Rejoice! Your friends are no further away today than yesterday, and will be no further away tomorrow. And you can bring them closer with the merest effort. Gloom and doom and self-flagellation? Bah, I say! Bah! We're as happy as we choose to be. Choose wisely. ;)

    And if that doesn't cheer you up, well, you are always welcome to come over for dinner some time! Hah! We could have a grand time cooking and surprise our SOs. :D

  • j david

    well, seeing you post photos on flickr again has made my day!

    good to see fresh stuff.

    now, be a dear and share your recipie if its as good as it sounds.

    be well.

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