2005.08.20

Caperberries

Comments

Total apathy.

The last two weeks I’ve spent emotionally immobile, mired in the past, having risen up with fire with my last entry and falling, crashing back to earth almost immediatley. Now I’m stuck, afraid of moving, because the only way I can think of doing it is to throw myself off the edge of some place very high. Progress is just not on my radar.

Spent many hours ostensibly cleaning out my files, but really that meant reading through hundreds and hundreds of old emails sent over the last fifteen years. I’ve — changed, over and over; I don’t want to say grown, because it’s not like that, really. More like resets.

And frightening that relationships seem so fragile: people have passed in and out of my life like water, shining for brief, wonderful moments before fading, never to be seen again. More often than not, seeing their names pop up in my correspondences tore me up with regret. And what’s worse is I can feel it happening now, again, all around me. I’ve always let things silently slide by.

…but maybe some good will come out of this. I’m terrible at being a friend, but I can do better. I know it.

In the meantime, sideways I can still do, and I have to eat. So I’ll take some pleasure in experimenting in the kitchen tonight: spaghetti with capers and sardine filets, if I can wrangle it.


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