Autumn is a fraying time. I’ve never really consciously noticed it until now, because it’s not like I get sad with the greying of the days. Quite the opposite, actually: I get sad in the Spring, stay sad in the Summer, and then — well, I fray, and sadness isn’t exactly the right word anymore.

Maybe you’ve seen me during those sunny months, and you’re thinking: that doesn’t sound right, she always seems fine to me! The fact is my life is packaged up into many different boxes, any combination of which can be taken out or put away. Sometimes whole swaths of my identity are shoved into a closet and lost for months, or years. Usually this is because I’m scared of what would happen if I left them exposed to the world, or maybe I’m reacting to that thing actually happening. In the warm times of year, when everyone else is out and about and full of energy, I’m absolutely terrified. Of them, of me, of any opened box. So everything goes, except the autopilot. She does put on a good show, though an empty one.

But when the rest of the world huddles indoors, those boundaries start crumbling. The timid parts of my persona start leaking out and mixing with each other. It’s always confusing, sometimes depressing, usually explosive. I see people! I do things I would never normally do! I start twelve different projects at the same time! I start thinking. A lot. Maybe too much.

(That thing where I posted a picture of my face to Facebook, which I said I would never do? That was a definite warning sign.)

Usually, the end of this cycle is an abrupt and painful crash. Can I avoid that this time? Maybe writing about it will help. Or maybe writing about not-it will help. Whatever happens, I’m going to try and write here more often. I accept that there will be inanity, and I hope you’ll forgive me.

Speaking of epiphanies, and action plans: “Answering yes to three of these six questions strongly indicates clinical depression, and you said yes to all of them.” So that happened. Time to do something about it.

tags: blogging

  • edie

    It's a wild seasonal ride- I'm with you there. And yes, you are inspiring.

  • Paul

    I'll be watching and cheering from the sidelines ... your efforts inspire!

  • Lori

    The projects are a good thing, as long as you don't consider it a failure if you don't complete all (or any) of them. My counselor encourages mine because they fuel creativity and provide an outlet for nervous energy.

    I look forward to the inanity! We have had some good times over the silliest stuff. (Thanks to you, I still give Reese Witherspoon an upturned nose.) :)

  • She cannot be trusted!

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